just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
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You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
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How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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