i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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