someone threw a dead crab at me
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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