Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
