how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
