My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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