Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
