i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
