I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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