If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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