im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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