as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Why are your pants in the freezer?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
