i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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