It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
