I need to stop coming to work sober
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize