I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
