I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
