My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
