I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
