I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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