Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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