this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
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September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
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You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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