I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
