Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
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