It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
