peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
