I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
