She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.