At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...