Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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