PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
