Cold hands, warm shart.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
