I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
