I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
