I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
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You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
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When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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