i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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