i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
