I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
