omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
