Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
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Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
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I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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