I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
