If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
