So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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