I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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