i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
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He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
The air taste purple.
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