Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
