Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
