Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
