They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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