I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
