Moan for me like Helen Keller
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
