i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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