he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
