You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
