Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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