I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
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You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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