I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's shark week go big or go home
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
