if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We talked him into tasing himself.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
