I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
